School

I enrolled in some photography classes at SCSU that I was really looking forward to for the fall semester but I had to change my class schedule. I could not get a shift at work that would have accommodated my school schedule. That’s one of the things that sucks about working in a union job and not having a lot of seniority. As far as I know these two classes are only available on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the afternoon. Hopefully I’ll be able to pick them up in the spring semester. Wish me luck

Prints

So I tried an online store that would create prints on demand and even frame them, but things are not going well now that I am trying to import the inventory to Squarespace to create a store in which to sell them. It’s frustrating. I’ll keep trying it a bit longer but I’m getting to the point where I am ready to try a different service to do this.

Thankfully, the only thing I’ve lost in the process is some of my time.

No Thank You

There's only one type of photography that I do not want to try my hand at: wildlife photography. I have no desire to lay in the mud for hours waiting for a ruby-throated whosiwhatsit to look in my direction.

I have a lot of respect for people who do this and the images they create are amazing and dramatic. I just want nothing to do with it.

35 mm or 120

I am planning on taking a more advanced photography class in the fall that also includes film photography and darkroom techniques. I’ve acquired quite a few film cameras over the past few years. I have a nice Pentax spotmatic, a Konica Autoreflex TC, a really nice and clean Fujica ST701, a couple of nice rangefinders as well as a few Minolta SLRs. But I also have a Yashica TLR and a gorgeous (but hefty) Zenza Bronica ETRS. I have a couple of other lower quality medium format cameras like a Holga and a Lubitel 166, but I’m not considering using either of those.

My gear acquisition syndrome is catching up with me. I have so many film cameras that choosing the one I want to use has become a ponderous process. Note: I didn’t refer to this as a problem, nor did I say that I had too many cameras.

Contemplation

I am weighing so many different things in my mind at the moment and it feels like I’m approaching a huge transformative moment in my life. As I consider the purchase of an LED light with a softbox and a collapsible backdrop it gives me the sense that I am crossing the border from being a hobbyist to an actual, serious photographer. And as I look at potential classes to take in the fall semester it feels like my daily routine as well as my work schedule are going to be warped and twisted beyond recognition.

It is in equal parts exciting and dreadful

Lightroom Presets

Like… why would you trust anyone else to edit your images? I do not understand how someone else's LR presets are something that anyone would want. Each image is unique and individual, even if it's taken in a series of other images. Why would you think that the advice or direction of some random stranger is the best course of action to edit your images over what your own eyes see?

Disappointment

I’m as guilty as most other photographers when it comes to gear. New, shiny things are exciting and hard to resist. I gave in to temptation and bought a beautiful 50mm f/0.95lens from 7artisans. And it is a beautiful lens, all metal with a nice heft, fully mechanical. Just the sort of things I love in a lens. But…

It’s made for an APC cropped sensor. My a7ii is a full frame camera. The corners are cut off and it looks like you’re seeing things through a peep hole. Now, I knew that it wasn’t a full frame lens and all the reviews and info I could find on the lens before I purchased it suggested that it would simply act like a 75mm because the ratio of the lens’s focal length and the size of the sensor.

Nope.

I don’t think there’s really a lesson to be learned here. Gear Acquisition Syndrome is always going to be something I’ll have to contend with. I know this. Will this be the last lens that doesn’t completely live up to the expectations that build in my head while I impatiently await its arrival? Certainly not. But hopefully, in the future, I’ll be able to avoid buying anything that is as incompatible as this lens is with my current gear.

We live and learn.

Print

I printed some images on a professional grade printer for the first time. Real, archival quality prints printed with pigment-based inks on high quality, 13”x19” lustre photo paper.

I have to say that it feels pretty damned amazing. Viewing an image on the screen, especially on your phone’s tiny little screen, doesn’t compare to holding that same image in your hands as a print. That nagging feeling that haunts me, that what I’m doing as a photographer doesn’t really constitute art dissipates when I see what I have created in a shape and form that is worthy of being displayed. Imposter syndrome is replaced with the reassuring satisfaction you’ve actually created something that you’re not only excited about sharing with people but feel confident in displaying publicly.

It’s a great feeling.

Focal Lengths

I went out the other morning after a list dusting of snow in Downtown New Haven. For a change of pace (or being possessed by a moment of sheer madness) I reached into my bag and grabbed my Minolta 28mm f/3.5 and affixed it to my camera and walked around. Every time I raised the viewfinder to my eye I was disoriented for a moment. I felt like I had moved back 10 yards and crouched down. I was pleased with most of what I captured but I often found myself frustrated as I tried to compose a picture because what the camera was showing me was so far removed from what I was seeing with my naked eye. It took a bit of thought and was slightly counter-intuitive but it forced me to be more creative. In the future I may force myself to get away from my predilection to automatically reach for my 55 or 58 mm lenses just to get myself out of my comfort zone and approach things differently.

No Lack of Motivation Any Longer

My passion for photography has truly been re-ignited. I’m sure that a big part of that is the fact that I now have assignments to complete and hand in for my classes. But I know that another reason is because I am learning so much. I don’t think I have been lacking knowledge about composition and so forth, the creative side of photography. And I have a very firm grasp on the technical use and mastery of the camera as the instrument of my art. But learning about Lightroom and other software, the details and process of creating archival, art-quality prints, and later down the road, more about film processing, darkroom development, etc. - the tools I need to be better at what I do - has given me an enthusiasm that I haven’t had since I got my hands on my first second-hand 35mm SLR a few years ago.

I am very excited!

Inspired but Unmotivated

I went out driving Sunday morning with the intent of taking my new camera and take some pictures. And I went all over the state, down to New Haven, east along the shoreline to New London, up through the quiet corner then west through Manchester and Hartford and back down I-91 to home in Hamden. I passed quite a bit of imagery that I would have liked to get out and shoot…

But I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. I don’t exactly know why but if I had to make a guess I would have to say that it may be because I am still in a pandemic, lockdown state of mind.

What was supposed to be a photographic expedition turned into a nice ride through the countryside of Connecticut (with a brief stop for donuts along the way.) I don’t know what it’s going to take to make me get out of this mindset but I hope I figure out what that is sooner rather than later.

Random Thoughts #243

Men who look at women and can only think of them in terms of attractiveness rob those women of a portion of their humanity. This also limits their own humanity. If you can't look at someone and see them as a whole person, if you see them only in terms of what you want from them you'll be cut off from some potential interactions, conversations, whatever.

Uber

I’ve started driving Uber again. Mostly because things were a little tight financially for a hot minute and the quick extra cash was a real help. But I’m doing it a little here and there because, quite frankly, I enjoy it. Another boon is that I have a credit card whose balance has gotten a little larger than I want it to. After getting to a point where I am essentially debt-free carrying even a balance of $2000 or more on a card just feels wrong. So all my Uber earning are going to be used to pay down credit card debt. No mad money, no eating out. It’s going to serve a purpose, which makes doing it all that much more worthwhile

Philosophy

I’ve been drawn to philosophy books since I was a teenager. One of my favorite places in the world as a teenager in the 80’s was the local bookshop in our town’s mall. The mall itself was really old, the stores were all kinda old and sad as well but I loved The Paperback Booksmith. It was very cool. All kinds of posters all over the walls above the shelves, the coolest record bins in town, lots of punk/new wave/counter culture vibes. And I loved going through each section of the store. I was introduced a lot of my favorite authors via that bookshop. It wasn’t like the bookstores we have today. Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, etc. are all inherently commercial and what’s on their selves is dictated by the capitalistic agenda of the publishing industry. When I was younger the shelves of the bookstores were filled things selected by the store’s owner or manager. It was like it was a curated selection of books, LPs, etc. And I have to admit it was that curated selection of books and records that was part of the force that shaped my tastes and outlook as I grew up.

I don’t know why but I was always drawn to the store’s philosophy section. And they had a great variety of material from ancient Greek and Roman philosophy, up through the Age of Enlightenment, all the way up to Sartre, Existentialism, and so on. Maybe it was because it felt pretentious reading these heady books and I have to admit that I was drawn more to Sartre and Nietzsche than Socrates or Plato. I felt cool carrying around an edgy, heady philosophy book when I hung out in the local coffee shop.

I went through a fairly long period where I didn’t look at or think about philosophy but have recently felt the pull of these books again. But now that I am approaching the subject as a grown man my tastes has markedly different. I did just recently get a new book about Sartre called Existentialism is Humanism which looks pretty interesting but most of what I’m reading at the moment is Greek philosophy, particularly Stoicism. And this time not only am I understanding it much more but I am also enjoying it tremendously.

Idle Too Long

So I’m paying for this domain name and hosting service and all I am really using it for at the moment is a cool ass email address. I need to change that.

Photography has kind of been on hold ever since the pandemic. I just don’t feel safe and secure going out into the world and taking pictures. I have a ton of exposed film in the fridge, some of it shot well over a year ago or more. But without going out and shooting somehow the motivation for developing and scanning the film has somehow vanished as well. Maybe I’ll give myself a kick in the ass and get that done but the kitchen in the new place doesn’t feel like it would lend itself well to the task.

So blogging… I used to have a very active blog/tumblr not too long ago. I don’t really do a lot there any longer. There are a couple of mutuals who are still active there that I interact with. Back in the 90’s “online journaling” was kind of a thing and I was involved in it. Blogs were a big deal then and I went through quite a few of them. I think for now that will be the main focus here. I enjoy writing, even if most of what I do is kvetching. The big question is can I keep it up? I’ll do my best to try and write something here every day, even if it is just for me. A place to spill out my thoughts. Why not?

The Death of Disco

This is something I’ve been lowkey obsessed with recently. I grew up in the 70’s, which I believe to be a blessing. The music was just… better. It was a time when there was a high level of musicianship, great songwriting, and evolving production techniques coalesced into something really special. I really don’t believe we’ll ever again have music as goo as we did in the 70’s. I just don’t.

Early- and pre-teen me listened to everything. It’s not like we had any choice back then. You had a record player and a radio. You listened to what you had on hand or what you could get a good enough signal on from your transistor radio. I had a handful of records of my own, mostly compilations of radio hits, and my parents’ LPs to listen to. My dad’s albums were jazz, classical and crooners like Sinatra and Dino. My mom’s were country and folk music. I don’t know how I came to love Disco but I did.

I’m sure the movie Saturday Night Fever played a big part. Even though I was too young to go see it in the theatres it still had wide-reaching influence on culture. Some of the first LPs I bought for myself were disco records: Donna Summer, The Village People… I was still at a young enough age where sexuality and racial identity hadn’t crept into my thinking. I loved the music. I got a How to Disco LP/book combo and practiced my moves in my bedroom. I loved that music.

And then, it was just gone all of a sudden. Rock and Country filled the void its departure from the music world created. John Travolta traded in his white, polyester three piece suit from Saturday Night Fever for cowboy boots and a Stetson hat for Urban Cowboy. My attention drifted from disco to the Beatles to my Dad’s collection of Russian composers and whatever else caught my ear. I didn’t give disco much thought after 1979 or so, which is when the disco craze petered out.

It wasn’t until I was an adult and subject to nostalgia that I began to think about it again. It was then that I learned about the backlash against disco at the time that culminated with the Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park in Chicago. It was only when I was an adult that I knew what was fueling the whole Disco Sucks movement: Racism, Misogyny and Homophobia. The majority of disco DJs and club owners were gay men. The voice of disco was that of black women. The music came from African-American and Latinx culture. Fragile white toxic masculinity couldn’t deal with the fact that it wasn’t made expressly for their consumption, that it competed for airtime with music that was tailor-made for them. It’s no coincidence that the demise of disco happened around the same time as the rise of Van Halen which, whether you enjoy them or not, has to be once of the most toxically misogynistic musical acts of all time and blazed a path for 1980’s hair metal.

I miss Disco. The melancholy that I feel over its demise is made all that more poignant that I now realize, as an adult, what drove it to its death. It’s the same shit that’s always kept this country, this society weighed down, unable to live up to the ideals it espouses. Racism, intolerance, misogyny, homophobia, bigotry destroy or corrupt everything they touch. Fear of otherness is a hell of a drug and I hope this country weans itself off of it one of these days.

I Don't Trust It

I don’t trust people who don’t swear. I mean… you don’t have to swear like a sailor. Every other word out of your mouth doesn’t need to be an expletive, but if you twist your speech into pretzels to avoid saying fuck or shit it makes me question your motives as to why you’re going to such lengths. There are times when no other word will suffice, when no other word carries sufficient gravitas or level of contempt. If you “never ever swear” your ass is phony.

Likewise, I don’t trust people who don’t drink. And let me just clarify that I don’t mean people who no longer drink or abstain for dietary reasons or whatever… there are plenty of valid reasons not to imbibe. I don’t trust people who have never taken a sip of alcohol. Why? What are you afraid of? Who are you trying to impress? You’re certainly not impressing me with your piety.

Why do these things bother me? Because life is meant to be lived. Don’t half-ass being yourself. If you’re pissed off about something, offended, irate, whatever and the expletives are zooming through your thoughts, let those motherfuckers out. If you’re of age and you’ve never taken a sip of beer, wine, whatever don’t let some inane sense of purity or whatever prevent you from having that experience.

Life is short and full enough of regrets already. No need to impose these restrictions on yourself and live a less-than-full life.

Cancel Culture

I don’t believe in cancel culture. And when I say that I don’t mean in the sense that it’s a bad thing, or that people are excessively woke, or policing other people’s lives… the usual crap that you hear bemoaning it.

When I say I don’t believe in cancel culture I mean that I don’t believe it’s a thing.

It’s accountability, plain and simple. You do something that you know is wrong, immoral, illegal, whatever, then you have to deal with its consequences as well. It doesn’t matter if it was last week, last year or last century, actions have repercussions. I don’t want to hear about it being a different culture, a different time.

The bottom line is that if you do something wrong and knew that it was wrong, you’re responsible for your actions. Period. No additional context or perspective needed.

Do what pleases you

Sean Tucker has been an inspiration for me since I got back into photography. If you’re looking for insight on just about anything, he is a great source, not just for technical information, but also philosophical guidance. I would say that I have found the latter to have been helpful on my journey much more than the former. His most recent video really spoke to me because I don’t feel like I can be easily labeled and put into a category as a photographer. I dabble in whatever fascinates or draws me in. It’s an emotional exercise for me much more than a technical one. I do street photography but feel immensely uncomfortable including recognizable faces of strangers in my images. I enjoy taking abstract photographs just as much as I do taking landscapes. I really haven’t gotten to a point where I have a comprehensive record of my work on here yet, but if you know my work from IG or anywhere else, you’d probably have a difficult time putting me into a conventional photography genre. Which is fine with me; I don’t want to be labeled in what I do behind the camera.

The bottom line is that you don’t need anyone’s permission to do something you love the way that you want to do it. I approach photography now pretty much the same way I did as a kid in the 80’s running around with a Kodak 110 in my pocket. I frame images that please me, compose them using the few rudimentary rules I’ve picked up along the way, and don’t really worry when I break them. I enjoy the hell out of the process and if other people like what I do, I am immensely pleased. But in the end I do it for me, for my enjoyment.

Give yourself permission to do what you love the way you like doing it.